Jason X

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a horror film review. In fact it’s been almost three months. That’s due to a variety of excuses. Impending fatherhood, health problems, an inability to focus, and pure laziness are all to blame. It’s time to jump back on the horse though. Strangely the film I’ve decided to review is something that stands out from my other reviews. I’ve always subconsciously steered clear of reviewing any franchise film from one of the horror icons. I’m ending that trend today to review the shittiest Jason movie of all time (though Jason Goes to Manhattan is lurking just behind): JASON X!

Horror series are always a mixed bag. Horror films are treated like shit by studios. They’re cheap to make as you don’t really need name actors and most of your money is going to be spent on cheap effects. The good thing is that they almost always turn a good profit. Therefore, when a horror flick does well, studios will crank out a quick sequel in order to take advantage of its popularity while the property is still hot. As the series goes on… the “quick buck” approach starts taking its toll on the films, and the quality goes down. Then the financial returns go down leaving studios pretty much throwing shit against the wall and seeing if it sticks. Jason X is a great example of this.



Let’s face it… the Friday the 13th films were never really terribly well-done. They get by on the fact that they are entertainingly stupid. You’ve got a bunch of partying kids getting stalked and slaughtered by a prudish, retarded hillbilly zombie. That’s not exactly high concept. Before you take offense of my explanation of Jason Voorhees, let me clarify. Jason’s own mother admitted that her son was “special” in the first installment. He grew up living alone in the woods wearing a flannel shirt, cover-all’s, and burlap sack on his head. He’s also technically a zombie as he died in Part IV and was accidentally resurrected by genre veteran Thom Matthews and the guy that played Horschack in Welcome Back, Kotter in Part VI. Mr. Voorhees is definitely the most prudish of all horror icons as well. He punishes all deviant behavior that takes place in his vicinity. Jason is basically a machete-carrying member of the Christian right.

You smoke cigarettes at Crystal Lake… you’re screwed.
You smoke a joint at Crystal Lake… you’re fucked.
You drink alcohol at Crystal Lake… you’re toast.
You have sex at Crystal Lake… you’re dead meat.
You masturbate to porn at Crystal Lake… you’re a human shish-ka-bob.
You use a curse word at Crystal Lake… you’re six feet under.
You even think about doing any of that… you're up shit creek.

Now drop all that into a futuristic space movie, and you’ve got Jason X.

Jason X starts out with a bang with a cameo by David Cronenberg. Cronenberg gets impaled by a spike. It fits. It only goes downhill from there. Jason is cryogenically frozen and is found 450 years later by a group of students on a field trip to the now uninhabitable Earth. Long story short… they take him back on board. Bad idea! I would comment further on the plot, but really who gives a shit about plot with a Jason movie!?! There are some interesting kills, an attempt at self-parodying comedy, and Jason fights a female combat-upgraded sex-bot… and loses to her. Fortunately for him, he falls into the nanotech upgrade machine and is reborn as Uber-Jason. It’s a lot of stupid (incredibly stupid) fun, and you’ll spend more time laughing at how bad it is than actually enjoying the film. It’s almost impossible to not laugh at the film. It’s got bad Canadian actors from syndicated sci-fi shows, a script that rips off every sci-fi horror film of the last twenty years, and the special effects look like they came from a Sci-Fi original. Yet… somehow it’s entertaining.



If you have low standards… give it a go. It’s fun.

Teeth

Y’know… I was going to use a lot of stupid puns when describing this flick, so I’ll just get them out of the way now.

“biting commentary”
“horror with a bite”
“a movie you can to sink your teeth into”

Damn, I’m glad that’s over.

Teeth is probably the worst movie an oversexed male could ever watch. That comes from the fact that the main character finds out that she has a condition called “Vagina Dentata.” It’s exactly what you think it is. It makes for a very unique film. Say what you will, but it’s hard to come up with an original idea these days, but that’s exactly what writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein has done. He’s made the first feminist horror/comedy/drama that involves a penis-severing vagina. I congratulate him for such an accomplishment.



Dawn is a pro-abstinence Christian girl. She believes that a girl needs to keep her gift wrapped until she receives that gold ring. Dawn is so repressed that she won’t even allow herself to see PG-13 movies. Dawn keeps to her beliefs even in the face of the constant mocking of her schoolmates. That’s until her fellow pro-abstinence possibly bf attempts to rape her. She founds out something new about herself. Something lethal.

The movie is good stuff. Hell… it’s critically acclaimed and all that jazz. That’s largely in part due to the fantastic Jess Weixler. She deservedly won the Sundance Special Jury Prize for Dramatic Performance for her portrayal of a teenage girl that must deal with the deadly mutation inside her. It helps that the script and direction is smarter than most of the film’s competition. It’s funny and intelligent. I laughed my ass off over the “celibate Christian” group meetings and the plain male stupidity on screen. That’s not to say that everything hits the mark in the film. The film drags in bits, but the absurdity of the film keeps you interested. I also have to mention that the greatest performance of a creepy old pervert in film history can be found in the last minutes of the movie. It’s quite horrific. It’s creepier than the several instance of graphic penis mutilation I’ll never forget that old man scarily darting his tongue out.



Teeth is a great flick that unfortunately only made the film festival route with a very limited release. Thankfully, it’s out on DVD now. If you are looking for something along the lines of a feminist American Psycho… pick it up. You won’t be disappointed.

P.S. I find myself trying to make a “Vagina Dentata” song to the tune of Hakuna Matata from the Lion King. Help me.

Midnight Meat Train

There is a special place in Hell reserved for the new acting studio head of Lionsgate Joe Drake. You see… Mr. Drake disliked former Lionsgate executive Peter Block and has decided to bury all of the projects that Block had championed. Midnight Meat Train was one of the casualties (REPO! The Genetic Opera is another). You may be thinking “Midnight Meat What?” That’s because Drake refused to allow any marketing for the film. He wouldn’t have released the film at all if Lionsgate were not contractually obliged to open the film theatrically by Lakeshore Entertainment, so the douche bag released it to 100 dollar theatres around the country instead. I figure Joe Drake needs an eternity of ass-raping.



Midnight Meat Train is one of those movies that you just want to tell everyone about. It’s boner-inducing in its greatness. The flick is based on a Clive Barker short story. It’s strange in that Barker’s work hasn’t really ever been well-suited to film, but this one works quite well cinematically. We can probably thank director Ryuhei Kitamura for that. Kitamura is well-known amongst fans of Japanese genre films. He’s got a great kinetic visual style that reminds one of a well-polished early Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson. Kitamura has made a film that is both stylish and substantive. The cast is great as well. Bradley Cooper (aka the dick from Wedding Crashers) is compelling as Leon Kauffman, a photographer looking to find the soul of the city. His mission takes him to late nights on the subway where he discovers a menacing butcher (a perfectly cast Vinnie Jones making the most of a silent role) murdering passengers with the tools of his trade. Leslie Gibb as Leon’s girlfriend (aka the hottest diner waitress in film history) and Roger Bart as Leon’s friend Jurgis inject heart and humor into the film respectively. I only have two problems with the film. My main problem with the film lies in its second act. The story stalls with several (incredible) cat-and-mouse chases and numerous killings that really don’t help the narrative flow of the film. My other problem is with the gore because I’m not a big fan of CGI gore. Thankfully there are some practical gore effects thrown in too. Otherwise, Midnight Meat Train is all aces.



Do yourself a favor and catch this movie while it’s still in theatres. It’s at the Cinemark 8 in Tulsa across from Woodland Hills. It’s a $1.75, but you’ll leave thinking you would have paid a whole lot more for such an awesome film.



P.S. I'm well aware of the sexual connotation of the film's title.

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Being a manly man, I’m often distressed during Valentine’s Day. A holiday for lovey-dovey stuff and mushiness? Gross… and completely unmanly. That’s why I can get behind a film like My Bloody Valentine. It turns a hated holiday into a fantastic one. It’s no secret that I love holiday-themed horror flicks, and My Bloody Valentine is one that actually makes use of the themes of its holiday… except the valentines that killer leaves are not exactly loving.



Twenty years ago in the small mining town of Valentine Bluffs, a methane gas explosion trapped five miners in a shaft when other crew members left work early to attend the town’s annual Valentine’s Day dance. After six weeks of digging, one survivor was found. Harry Warden survived by turning to cannibalism. Driven into madness by his horrific experience, Harry returned one year later and killed those that left their posts (by cutting out their hearts) and warned that if there should ever be another Valentine’s Day dance he would return. Unfortunately, the young miners of present day (aka 1981) don’t believe the stories and decide to hold the dance. We all know that means lots of young adults are about to have their hearts handed to them.


The film is well-made. It’s not perfect, but it is definitely one of the best of its kind. In fact, many slasher fans consider it the best of the Halloween rip-offs. Quentin Tarantino considers it his favorite slasher film of all time. It’s got a great story, a great looking killer, and some well done kill scenes. In fact, the kill scenes were so gruesome that the MPAA cut nine minutes of gore from the film before release. The outcome works well for the flick. It gives My Bloody Valentine a more suspenseful tone (like Halloween) than the other slasher pics of the time. The film is also free of the usual horror movie clichés. The characters are actually intelligent and don’t fall for the usual stupid horror movie moves. Plus it has a fat guy that looks like a young Wilford Brimley who strangely has the hottest girl in the movie as his girlfriend. I also must mention the folk ballad detailing the events of the movie that plays during the end credits. A FOLK BALLAD ABOUT A VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE!!! That’s frickin’ sweet!



Remember when I said it wasn’t perfect? That can mostly be attributed to the horrendous cast. The cast read their lines with all the intensity of a rock. I’m almost sure that a cast of mimes might have been a better choice (and it would be more enjoyable to see them die). Even more distracting is their accents. I kept thinking they all spoke strangely. After a quick internet search, I found out the movie was filmed in Canada. Can’t they just pretend to be American like other Canadian films? What’s that all “aboat?” Even though the MPAA cuts help make the film suspenseful, they also interfere with the narrative because some scenes are taken out. You’ll find characters are dead when you have no idea when they died as they were just alive a minute ago. What the fuck? You can generally figure things out quickly, but it would be nice just to know.



All in all though, My Bloody Valentine is a must-see for horror fans. It’s an original that doesn’t pander to the regular clichés of horror films; it actually makes use of its holiday premise, and the lack of gore or sex means you can pretty much watch this with anyone. Good stuff… despite the funny-sounding Canadians.

P.S. There is an unfortunate remake coming out next year starring the usual CW/WB young actors that appear in most crappy remakes. I’m already disappointed, but it does have one selling point though. It’s going to be in 3-D.

Happy Birthday To Me

It seems I’ve fallen off the wagon, haven’t I? It’s been over a month since my last horror film review. I’m definitely slacking in my commitment to horror. The news of my impending fatherhood has thrown me for an excited loop. The pregnancy has been the thing most on my mind. Still… I was able to squeeze in a few horror films just waiting to be reviewed.

Happy Birthday To Me was one of those flicks. I’ve always liked those holiday-themed slashers of the late 70’s and early 80’s (though calling a birthday a holiday is pushing it a bit), so I gave HBTM a go. It’s pretty rare that I find a slasher classic that I have never seen. I think there was a reason for this. Happy Birthday To Me has the single most horribly convoluted ending I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure the studio-mandated twist ending was written by an alcoholic chimpanzee… or possibly M. Night Shyamalan.

Anyways, the plot concerns Virginia “Ginny” Wainwright and her clique of friends, the Top Ten. The Top Ten are the top ten richest and most popular students at their already-snobbish private school. Money has to be the only reason these kids are popular because for the most part they’re insufferable assholes. After an ill-advised game of chicken on a rising drawbridge, Ginny starts freaking out. It seems that Ginny and her mother had an accident on that very drawbridge a few years before on Ginny’s birthday. That accident took Ginny’s mother’s life and put Ginny in a coma. Sucks to be her. Actually, it sucks to be a member of the Top Ten because they start dying. One by one they bite the big one. Who’s responsible? It doesn’t matter because the film’s twist ending completely goes against everything presented in the entirety of the film. A murderous pony might as well have been the killer as it would have probably made more sense (and a lot more fun too).

The film isn’t entirely without merit though. The actors do well with what they are given. Melissa Sue Anderson of Little House on the Prairie plays Ginny, and it’s a hoot to see the sweetheart of 70’s television play a foul-mouthed somewhat slutty teen. It’s also strange to see acting legend Glenn Ford in the film playing Virginia’s doctor. Happy Birthday To Me doesn’t skimp out on the gore either. There are a few neat kills in the flick, but hardly the “bizarre” murders advertised on the poster… unless stabbings are something entirely new to film audiences. You have to give props to the shish-ka-bob through the mouth and out the back of the head though. It’s pretty sweet.

If you can get over the mind-blowing stupidity of the ending, Happy Birthday To Me is a decent flick. It’s a decent way to kill time and a few brain cells.

P.S. This has to be one of the coolest film screen grabs in the history of film.

The Curse of El Charro

Beware the Curse of El Charro! This curse is worse than a case of the squirts. Hell… I figured that the film would have been much better if Spanish superstar Charo was the star of the film. Just imagine her happily saying, “Cuchi cuchi!” after every gory kill.



Our whiny heroine Maria heroine has been troubled with horrible dreams and visions regarding her sister’s suicide. That’s why her roommate Christina thinks it’s a great idea to bring her along for a road trip to Arizona. Christina’s friends Tanya and Rosemary aren’t quite happy about having Maria tag along.

Now here’s I go off on a short tangent. The names of these characters are irrelevant because they aren’t portrayed as anything more than shitty stereotypes.

From now on they will be known as:

Maria – Headcase
Christina – Girl Next Door
Tanya – Ghetto Slut
Rosemary – Goth Slut

Now back to the review.

The girls are thrilled to be leaving boring ol’ Los Angeles and going on a road trip to the boondocks of Arizona. Just thinking of all the desert sand gets them all hot and bothered. Along the way they are pulled over for speeding, but thankfully Ghetto Slut gives head… errr… uses her head to get them out of trouble. The very grateful cop leads them to the nearest gas station to fill up. That gas station just happens to be a bar in which the strangest musical performance in history is given by a crippled Marilyn Manson-clone. Obviously the redneck bar patrons love it. All rednecks love shitty goth-industrial metal. The shit hits the fan once they reach their destination though. Headcase finds that one of her ancestors rejected the marriage proposal of a cruel land baron named El Charro, and El Charro has cursed her bloodline (and slaughtered the original ancestor’s family)… blah blah blah blah blah. El Charro comes and kills her friends and the men they’ve picked up at a bar. It’s all incredibly boring and was making the idea of suicide be somewhat palatable. Being too busy with her non-stop crying, Headcase doesn’t even defend herself from El Crappo at all. She’s saved by a shitty-looking angel with dirty clothes, a poorly painted-on tattoo, and the fakest-looking angel wings in film history.

The Curse of El Charro sucks. I’ll state that right away. The writing is full of clichés, horrible dialogue, and trite characters. The direction is weak. The actors would be shamed by children in a third grade Christmas play. The kills are uninteresting and barely even shown. It’s not altogether horrible though. The visions that Headcase has are pretty interesting. They’re done almost with a silent film style cinematography, and one of them even has Motorhead front man Lemmy as a priest cautioning young Headcase about the horrors that await her. Plus that aforementioned musical number was pretty fucking trippy in a good way (the song’s horrible but so strange). That doesn’t save the film though. Watch this only if you’re feeling masochistic.

Cutting Class

I’ll watch about any 80’s slasher flick if given the chance. As a child, I had posters of Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers lining my walls. There’s something in my DNA that adores that particular genre in that particular decade. It’s probably the numerous outlandish ways they found to get rid of their victims. Cutting Class definitely has some classic kills. Death by copy machine! Baking the art teacher in the ceramic kiln! And who could forget the ol’ flagpole through the trampoline (Eli Roth stole this one for his Grindhouse Thanksgiving trailer to humorous effect)? It’s just too bad that the plot really gives no reason for them to happen.

High school senior Paula (Jill Schoelen aka teen Blake’s big crush) is being left alone for the week by her District Attorney father (Martin Mull). Before he goes on to hunting trip, he reinforces the rules he expects her to follow while he’s gone. “NO CUTTING CLASS” seems to be most important. It’s a lame setup to a joke that comes at the end of the movie. In fact, it’s so lame that I was shocked that something so stupid could be ever actually make it into a film. Thankfully Martin Mull had the dignity to deliver it anyway. This happens to be the same day that Brian Woods (Donovan Leitch) returns to class. Brian had the unfortunate luck to have been placed in a mental hospital after he did such a minor thing as murder his father. Unfortunately, Woods has taken a liking to Jill, and her asshole boyfriend Dwight (young Mr. Brad Pitt in a defining film role) isn’t down for someone else buttering his bread. Complicating the situation is the fact that Brian and Dwight were best friends before the murder (and that Brian refused to name Dwight as his unwitting accomplice). The school’s principal (Roddy McDowall feigning interest in a girl) is constantly sexually harassing young Paula (not that she really notices), and I would be completely retarded if I didn’t mention the bat-shit insane school janitor that tells students that he’s “custodian of their fucking destiny.” Long story short… a murderer kills various students and faculty of the high school while Paula studies through the entire film. She’s definitely taken her father’s rules to heart. She’s studying in every fucking scene. I’m not sure, but I think she might have been studying as she was running for her life. That’s taking overachieving to a whole new level. She’s so obsessed with making good grades that it carries over to others as well. Like any teenage boy, Dwight wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but she holds out on him stating, “Not until your grades improve!”

The film tries to make itself a “whodunit.” This might have worked if they hadn’t already told us that an insane murderer was released at the same time the murders start occurring. Seriously! Either the filmmakers are moronic, or they believe their audience is. Brian kills people for no reason at all. The art instructor makes him and Paula model for the class in an extremely close sexual pose, so Brian fries him in the ceramics kiln. He must’ve killed his dad because he gave him one too many Christmas presents. I might have forgiven this flawed narrative if the film had even tried to work toward some suspense, but the kills are dropped right in your lap with no build-up at all. At least I’ll always love the scene in which the math teacher’s head meets an axe because he couldn’t figure out a math problem that Brian wrote on the chalkboard.

All in all, Cutting Class isn’t that great of a movie, but if you stick to it you’ll be rewarded with some good kills and a very entertaining finale (battle in the machine shop!) and the comedic skills of Martin Mull.

Oh yeah… Brad Pitt’s head in a vice:

Machine Girl

Machine Girl is a strange beast. I mean… it’s a Japanese exploitation revenge flick, so the movie is automatically in the “fuckin’ crazy” category. I’m not even sure if it really qualifies as a horror film at all, but the over-the-top blood and gore really help move it into that category.



The premise of the film is insane. School girl Ami is left to take care of her younger brother Yu after their parents’ suicide after false murder allegations. Unfortunately Yu and his best friend Takeshi are bullied to death by the son of a Yakuza/ninja criminal and his friends. Ami takes the law into her own hands and tries to avenge her brother’s death with disastrous results. She’s found by Takeshi’s grieving parents minus one arm. Takeshi’s mother, however, blames Ami for Takeshi’s death, but that is all settled via an intense arm wrestling match. The next thing you know Takeshi’s father has fixed up a badass machine gun arm (and chainsaw arm for the Evil Dead fans) to facilitate her revenge. Ami and Takeshi’s mother then bring the battle to the Yakuza family in a spectacularly bloody finale with super-commando grieving parents, a flying guillotine, and a drill bra (I shit you not).



Any attempt to actually critique this film is pretty much useless. The film is way over-the-top and purposefully campy. Director Noboru Iguchi delivers on the promised buckets of blood and gore in a humorous way (this is played for laughs though I’m guessing most “regular” audiences would by a bit horrified by its excessiveness). I found myself laughing quite a bit at the crazy gore moments. As for the acting, Iguchi mostly hired Japanese porn stars for the film. It works. They are so excited to be in the film that they put their all into it.



Machine Girl was pretty fuckin’ rad. It had laughs, action, and tons of gore. I see Machine Girl becoming a cult cinema legend. If you’re looking to kick back and drink a few beers while watching a movie, Machine Girl won’t disappoint. I mean really… who could hate a Japanese school girl slaughtering criminals with her machine gun arm?

the Strangers

My family moved around a lot when I was a child. We lived in secluded homes in the middle of the woods several times in my youth. Believe me when I tell you that being alone at night in the middle of nowhere can be creepy as all hell. Every little sound carries a nervous fright with it. It puts you on constantly on edge. Now imagine that three psychos in masks are toying with you throughout the night, and you have the Strangers.



Kristen McKay and James Hoyt are returning to the Hoyt family summer home after a late night wedding party. The situation is tense, for Kristen has just turned down James’s marriage proposal. As James and Kristen talk about their situation, a knock on the door startles them. A young girl obscured by darkness asks for a person that doesn’t live in the house. She’s turned away, but she keeps returning. She’s not the only one. James and Kristen are terrorized as the night goes on with all of their escape options taken away by the strangers. How will it end? You’ll have to watch the film to find out.

The Strangers is one of those films that’s going to divide audiences. It’s going to upset those without the patience to see the story subtly build. Outright gore-hounds will also be disappointed as the film moves at a slower pace (although it never becomes boring). Writer/director Bryan Bertino slowly builds up tension throughout the movie making an altogether subtle horror film. These killers are not going for the outright kill. They’re toying with their victims. They relish the fear and panic they have caused. James and Kristen are not your usual horror movie victims either. They don’t fall into the usual horror movie clichés. Sure… some of their decisions aren’t the brightest ones, but the mistakes are made out of panic and not stupidity.



The Strangers definitely has a lot going for it. Bertino does a fine job on his directing debut. The film isn’t going to dazzle anyone with its inventiveness, but it’s a solid directorial work. Bertino does a great job on the screenplay though. He effectively builds realistic characters with James and Kristen. By showing us their heartbroken situation early in the film, the characters have our sympathies. This works to draw the audience in when the terror sets in. He also does right in not giving us all the facts. We are never told the motive of the strangers (nor are we told the reason Kristen has turned down the marriage proposal even though it’s clear that she loves James). Hell… we never even see their faces. I think this all works for the better as a random act of violence with no reason is more terrifying. Fear is about the unknown. It loses its power when it is explained (something that the Halloween remake should have learned). The Strangers has one major problem in my eyes though. The audience is never in doubt of the final outcome of the situation for James and Kristen. In fact the film starts with the two young boys discovering the aftermath of the strangers’ night of fun. That doesn’t change the fact that I was engrossed in how everything occurred though.

All in all though, I would definitely recommend the Strangers to those that don’t have a problem with a film that takes its time to deliver its scares. If you are down with a film that delivers horror with suspense instead of cheap scares and gore, then this is the film for you.

P.S. I thought the Strangers kicked ass.

the Tripper

I believe that the Tripper may actually be the first combination of the Cheech and Chong formula with the slasher genre. It’s kind of odd, but it works. It mixes and matches its separate elements pretty well. Pot-smoking hippies and a Ronald Reagan-obsessed killer! Drug comedy, political commentary, and spurting blood! I’m not sure why nobody thought of this first. I’m especially astonished that this film was co-written and directed by David Arquette. David-fucking-Arquette. Apparently he’s not the fuckwit I imagined him to be.



The film starts out forty years in the past with young Gus watching Ronald Reagan on the television as his father tends to his dying mother. A problem arises at his father’s logging worksite, and Gus accompanies his father there. Apparently a bunch of hippies are protesting the cutting of the trees. This is unfortunately keeping Gus’s father from working and providing his mother with the medical care she needs. Things go terribly wrong when one of the hippies strikes Gus’s father with a rock. Then Gus strikes the offending hippie with something too.



In the present day, Frank Baker (Paul Reubens aka Pee Wee Herman) is holding a Woodstock-like festival in those very same woods. Samantha (Jaime King), her boyfriend Ivan (Lukas Haas), and friends Joey (Jason Mewes), Jack (Steven Heath), Jade (Paz de la Huerta), and Linda (Marsha Thomason) are all attending. Samantha is trying to steer clear of drugs due to a bad experience with her violent ex-boyfriend Jimmy (Balthazar Getty), but the others are continually toasted and tripping (go figure… Jason Mewes playing a druggie!). Unfortunately, a killer dressed as Ronald Reagan is bringing a little right-wing action to the festival… one axe swing at a time. It’s up to Sheriff Buzz Hall (the incredibly awesome Tom Jane) to keep those damned hippies safe.

The Tripper is a great debut for co-writer/director/producer David Arquette. The script is pretty tight. It delivers on all the right things that a horror comedy should. It’s funny as all hell, and the horror moments are well done. Surprisingly Arquette does a great job bringing life to the script. Apparently, he hasn’t been wasting his time on set during his film years. He’s picked up quite a bit of knowledge from all the directors he’s worked with. The acting is by-far the best thing about the film though. The hippies are all funny despite their one dimensional roles. They know they are there to deliver the laughs and be killed, and they have fun with it. Paul Reubens is a blast as the incredibly profane concert promoter. There’s a moment in the film when he hides in a Port-A-Potty to avoid the killer. It’s gross, but the character is such a dick that you can’t help but love the scene. Tom Jane is the real scene-stealer here though. It’s the first time I have seen Jane outright chew the scenery, and it’s awesome. Tom Jane has seriously become one of my favorite actors over the last several years, and this only increases my respect for the man. As for the killer… I would love to see this turn into a franchise because I was totally cheering on the murderous Reagan. You seriously haven’t lived until you’ve seen Ronnie start slaughtering a field full of hippies. I only have a few problems with the film. The hippies characters fall into the genre-trap of just being there to be victims. Unfortunately we spend too much of the movie with them despite their one dimensional personalities. There just wasn’t enough of the Gipper for me. Secondly the film was a little too comedic for me. There are no really serious moments of horror at all in the film, as they are all played for laughs. All that is really nit-picking really. I loved the movie just for the simple fact that hippies are slaughtered. I swear I have such hippie hate. And really… who better to kill the hippies than Ronnie Reagan? Brilliant.

April Fool's Day

Holidays. I love them in a twisted way. I don’t actually enjoy the holidays themselves (unless we’re talking about Halloween), but I love the horror movies made about them. Halloween, My Bloody Valentine, Friday the Thirteenth, Silent Night Deadly Night, Black Christmas, and New Year’s Evil all fill me with holiday cheer. April Fool’s Day is probably the one that makes the most of its holiday though.

Muffy St. John has invited her friends to her family’s island home for a weekend getaway on April Fool’s Day. Her friends are your usual 80’s slasher film victims. They’re in for a weekend full of alcohol, drugs, sex, kickball, and April Fool’s gags. Unfortunately their pranks start off with the accidental maiming of a ferryman on their way to the island.

Geez… that guy can’t take a joke.

After a night of fun (that accidental destruction of a guy’s face doesn’t bring these kids down), the group realizes that one of their friends is missing. What follows are the best jokes of the weekend. April Fool’s Day proves once and for all that murder is the most awesome prank of all. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen for the ol’ decapitation gag. I don’t even need to mention my unfortunate experience with the ol’ castration prank. Oh… the shenanigans!

April Fool’s Day is a pretty fun 80’s slasher. It’s a little weak on the gore, but it makes up for it with the suspense and comedy. The cast is strong all the way around with Deborah Foreman (yummy Valley Girl) and Thomas F. Wilson (aka Biff Tannen) being the standouts. Director Fred Walton deftly handles the amusing script and balances the horror and the comedy pretty damned well. The infamous ending probably racks up as one of my few complaints, but I also consider it to be a fitting end the film. April Fool’s Day is good stuff.

NOTE: DO NOT WATCH THE INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE REMAKE STARRING SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON (AKA QUEEN OF THE SHITTY HORROR REMAKES)!

NOTE: I'M VERY BUMMED AT THE LACK OF AN ARBOR DAY FILM.

Lord of Illusions

It seems I’m a little behind on my horror reviews this week. My negative review of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull pretty much drained me for this week. The show should go on though.



Lord of Illusions is a hard film for me to review. It’s one of those films that I love even though I know in my heart that it’s a cinematic failure. That’s often the case with the film translations of Clive Barker work. Barker himself directed this (as he did with Hellraiser and Nightbreed), and it’s full of great ideas that are pretty poorly implemented.

I have to admit that I’ve always loved when films have tried to mix the hard-boiled detective pulp genre with horror. It’s not as if there are tons of examples of this combination around (the entirely awesome Cast A Deadly Spell and the entirely shitty Rough Magic are the only ones that really spring to mind), so I tend to latch onto the few I know. Harry D’Amour (Scott Bakula) is a down on his luck detective always in search of the next job. Unfortunately Harry also has a predilection of somehow getting involved with the darker aspects of the world and the occult. Harry agrees to take a routine job in Los Angeles as a sort of vacation from his troubles in the Big Apple. His stay in LA is anything but routine. He quickly gets drawn into a deadly case involving the famous illusionist (ala David Copperfield and David Blaine) Philip Swann (the always awesome Kevin J. O’Connor) and his wife Dorothea (the always smokin’ hot Famke Janssen). It seems that Swann was once the protégé of the evil sorcerer Nix. For some reason, Swann and some friends didn’t really agree with Nix and his cult when they decided it was time to “murder the world,” so they killed Nix, bound him in some magical face-clamp, and buried him out in the desert. Now Nix is coming back, and Swann’s friends are dying left and right. What do you do when a really pissed off dead sorcerer comes back to finish his interrupted plans to destroy the world… apparently you hire the guy from Quantum Leap to save you.

The movie has a great atmosphere and some creepy visuals to boot. Barker has always excelled at bringing a darker tone to horror than most other writers. He tends to create a strange sexual sadomasochistic tone to most of his work that’s outright creepy. Lord of Illusions is no different. Nix’s main henchman, Butterfield, is a pretty perverse character that somehow reminds me of a demented, evil version of the fat interior decorator from Beetlejuice. On the down side, Barker has never been a very accomplished director. The pacing is all wrong, and the material isn’t always handled correctly. It seems that Barker went at this story half-assed and didn’t deliver the full goods amid worries about how commercial the film should be. I also have to say that while I generally like Scott Bakula… he just doesn’t fit the tone of the story. He’s more suited to lighter drama and comedy. It doesn’t help that D’Amour is the lead character, yet he’s also the least fleshed out. Anyways, this was fun for what it is. It’s disappointing that the premise isn’t fully explored, but on the whole it’s a somewhat likeable film. It’s definitely a hard film for me to look objectively at, so this is a pretty shitty review.

Xtro

I had a line I wanted to use about this film before I even saw it. “This movie was Xtro crappy!” Fortunately, it wasn’t. Xtro was actually pretty damned entertaining despite the fact that it was a total mindfuck. It’s so damned surreal that I pretty much kept my “WTF” face on perpetually. I thought my head was going to have a Scanners moment.

Sam Phillips (a very good Phillip Sayer who looks like Hugh Jackman and sounds like Clive Owen) is a loving and devoted husband and father. That is… until he gets abducted by aliens in front of his son Tony. His wife Rachel (Bernice Stegers aka the female Oliver Reed) moves on with another man, but Tony has trouble letting go of his dad. Everyone tries to tell him that his father ran out on him and his mother, and no one will believe him when he tells them what really happens.

Three years later, Sam comes back. Apparently he’s changed a bit during his travels.




He’s still a nice guy, but that doesn’t keep him from killing a Eurotrash stud with permed mullet and his lady friend. Seriously… I’d kill a guy with a Euro-perm mullet too just on principle alone. He also can’t be running around like a terd with legs, so he decides to impregnate a nearby young lady with his penis proboscis. He’s reborn as a full-grown human version of himself in what has to be the freakiest birth scene of all time.







Being such a family man, Sam tries to reconcile with his wife and child. Since Tony knows what really happened, Sam decides to make him part of his new alien family in what could be considered an insanely incestual and pedophilic manner.





This leads to trouble, however, as aliens can pretty much change reality just by thinking about it, and Tony is apparently a young psychopath killing any and everyone that slightly inconveniences him. He does so by creating murderous live versions of his toys. Believe me… my distrust of midgets has been heightened even more by this film.





Anyways… you’ll have to see how it ends yourself. I highly recommend Xtro to B-movie enthusiasts. It’s cheesy, well-acted, and just so fucking absurd. Xtro is the lovechild of Lynch and Cronenberg that you’ve always wanted to see. It’s the strangest family film I’ve seen in some time (I still think Takashi Miike’s Visitor Q still holds the trophy on that one). You won’t be disappointed.

Hatchet

Finally… the family movie we’ve all been waiting for has arrived.



Wait a minute… scratch that.

Most horror buffs have probably heard quite a bit about Hatchet by now. It’s had incredible word-of-mouth amongst horror fans. They’re treating it as if it were the new messiah of horror. I won’t lie. It’s not, but it is good. Unfortunately the fact that it’s pretty damned derivative of the films that influenced it keeps it from the big leagues. Still, Hatchet shows that a great amount of fun can be had with gore, laughs, and the right attitude.

Ben’s (Joel David Moore of Dodgeball and Grandma’s Boy) friends have dragged him to New Orleans and Mardi Gras to help him forget a break-up. Ben’s not having any of that though. He really wants to go on a haunted swamp tour. His best friend Marcus is the only one that sticks with him despite protests over how he will miss out on the beer and the babes,. On the way to the swamp tour, Hatchet introduces its cast of characters. Tour guide Shawn is hilariously inept. Wannabe porn film director Shapiro constantly films the breasts of his two actresses Jenna (a pretentious “serious” actress) and Misty (Buffy and Angel’s hilarious Mercedes McNab as a Paris Hilton-like airhead blonde trying to break into acting). The Permatteo’s are a typical Midwestern tourist couple (Mr. Permatteo is played by Office Space’s Richard Riehle). Last, but not least, is Marybeth the quiet loner who we later find out is on a mission of revenge for the death of her father and brother. Unfortunately, they don’t realize the swamp is off limits because of the murderous Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder playing the billionth deformed, retarded redneck in this type of film). We’re told that he died due to an accidental hatchet strike to the face(happens all the time), but we’re never quite sure what he is... ghost or freakishly tough human. Anyways… the usual (actually… it’s a bit more hardcore than the usual) mayhem follows.

Hatchet knows exactly what it is, and it delivers the goods. There are very liberal amounts of gore, nudity, and laughs in this film. All of the actors turn in great performances for this type of film. They’re consistently funny (this is considered a horror-comedy) and end up bringing more life to the typical slasher stereotypes. Kane Hodder (the man most associated with Jason Voorhees) portrays a new film slasher, and he does a great job here. Apparently the cast was even frightened of him off-camera too. You’ll even see cameos by Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and Tony Todd (Candyman). Director/writer Adam Green does a great job here as well. His script, despite being pretty damned standard plot-wise, is constantly funny. There are enough issues (you’ve pretty much seen this all before) that will keep this from being a horror great, but the film is still a great watch.

*Strangely, there is a Disney review of this film telling about parents about all the questionable material the film contains, so that they can speak about it with their children.

Deaths: 11
Where to start… cutting, hacking, ripping off with bare hands, head twisting, impalement, death by belt sander, beheadings, and just plain ripping out of guts. The gore is incredibly over-the-top here, and I loved every moment of it.

LOL:
An old redneck that drinks his own piss tries to warn away the characters from the swamp. It has to be seen.



Sadly, we probably won't ever see his "Jump To Conclusions" mat.


It would be wise to avoid the Victor Crowley Dental Clinic.

Nightmare Man

The After Dark Horror Fest movies are a mixed bag. Eight independent horror films each year (with a few bonus movies) are picked to be distributed by After Dark films and ran during the film festival. The Horror Fest has run for two years so far giving us sixteen (plus bonus films) horror films. The quality ranges from utter shit to outright awesome. Nightmare Man leans more toward the shit end of the spectrum but at least it’s entertaining shit.

Ellen and her husband Bill are having trouble trying to start a family, so they do the obvious thing when dealing with infertility… order an ancient African fertility mask in the visage of a horned demon (that looks as if it were made in a 3rd grade art class). That’s definitely going to fix the situation, and hey… who doesn’t like to look down and see a demon’s face during sexy time! Unfortunately, Ellen starts having nightmares about the demon mask, and starts to believe she is possessed by the demon inside it. Of course, Bill instantly wants to have her in the committed to the psych ward. Predictably the car runs out of gas in the middle of nowhere, and Bill decides to hike to nearest gas station leaving poor Ellen alone in the car… in the dark… with the mask that is the basis of her psychosis. He even makes a lame little joke about it keeping her company. That’s when a being wearing the visage of the mask starts chasing her around the woods with a knife (and wearing tennis shoes). Obviously, demons bring their Nikes when cross-country running after their victims. Thankfully she finds a cabin housing two couples there for a weekend getaway. Engaged couple Jack and Trinity, and cabin-owner Mia and her boy toy Ed have a strange game of sexual Truth or Dare (actually the game of Truth or Dare was probably one of the best scenes of the movie featuring a naughty striptease and the best fake orgasm I’ve ever seen) ruined by the bloodied Ellen. It’s just too bad that Mia accidentally leaves her crossbow (that she keeps for “protection”) outside for the “Nightmare Man” to use. That’s where the real fun begins as the characters are killed off one-by-one until we are hit with an inane supernatural twist at the end.

The film isn’t all bad. It tries to make itself out as a horror comedy, and succeeds in all the wrong ways. Thankfully, the film knows what it is, and doesn’t take itself that seriously. The acting is pretty weak on the whole. Blythe Metz (Ellen) reads her lines with all the skill of a porn actress. You’ll want to have the subtitles on during any scene containing Luciano Szafir (Bill). The rest are just as bad (though Hanna Putnam aka Trinity should become the go-to woman for fake orgasms). Tiffany Shepis (Mia) is the only one that really stands out from the pack. Already a B-movie scream queen, Shepis pretty much carries the movie with her charm and likeability (plus it’s a given that when she appears in a movie that she’s not going to be clothed for long). Talking about much else is pretty irrelevant. The writing is atrocious. The direction is terrible. It looks as if the film was shot on a $300 camcorder. None of that really matters because the film is just plain fun to watch (preferably drunk and with friends).

DEATHS: 7
Nightmare Man had a couple of standout deaths. One crossbow bolt through the mouth nailing the completely annoying Ed character to a tree was pretty funny. I was also pretty fond of the head-crushing via fertility mask and rock.

LOL:
The whole movie pretty much is a laugh out loud moment.


Insert sexual joke here.


Nightmare-inducing, no?


best evil-fighting costume ever

Did I mention the fake orgasm?

30 Days of Night

I had decided to start my horror film review project last night, but I hit a brick wall instantly. What would be the first film to watch? Did I want to watch an actual good classy horror film, or did I want to go the trashy route? I'm a fan of both, but I generally tend to enjoy the laughably bad ones a bit more. Then another consideration came into mind. I bought a PS3 recently to use as a Bluray player (I highly doubt that I'll be torn away from the gaming on my XBOX 360 anytime soon). I decided to pick up a used BD disc at the time that I bought it, so I picked 30 Days of Night up, as it was the only option that I was interested in seeing that I didn't already own as a regular DVD. I decided to make the film my choice of the night, for 27 Dresses (don't laugh) so far has been the only film I have seen in the format.

That might have been a mistake.

I have one major criterion for horror film viewing: the film must be enjoyable to watch. I don't care if it's a serious film or a b-movie if I'm not having fun watching the fucker then what's the point in watching it? Needless to say… I didn't have fun watching 30 Days of Night.

That's not to say it's a shitty movie. It definitely had its high points. I'm quickly beginning to believe that any film that Ben Foster appears in has definitely got something going for it. As usual, Foster pretty much owns all of his scenes as the nasty stranger come to town acting as the vampires' Renfield. Seriously… the guy is impressive and gone from the movie all too soon. I was glad to see Mark Boone Jr. play a part as something other than a sleazebag. You might not recognize the name, but you definitely would recognize the face. Sleazy motel deskman in Memento… Boone! Sleazy partner of Jim Gordon in Batman Begins… Boone! It was nice to see him in a heroic role. As long as I'm talking positives, I've got to mention the fact that I love it when vampires break through the romantic Dracula and Lestat mode. I like my vampires vicious and animalistic. To this day, Near Dark is still my preferred vampire flick because of the savagery of the bloodsuckers in the film (the boner-inducing Jenny Wright may play a part in my love for this film as well). The film delivers on the technical side of things as well. Director David Slade does a decent job here (not quite as promising as his work in Hard Candy). The visuals of the film are downright entrancing. I've always liked the mix of darkness, blood, and snow. I've never seen it done more beautifully than here. The visual effects, make-up, and gore are all great too. WETA is definitely becoming the go-to guys for effects.

Unfortunately, not everything is peachy keen in the film. The film has a tremendously weak narrative. That can't be blamed on the film alone though. 30 Days of Night had that problem as a comic book as well. Writer Steve Niles is a good idea man, but his writing is often shit. The art of Ben Templesmith is what really made the graphic novel shine. The film (and comic) just has so many plot holes that you would think that they just brought ED209 in for a simple demonstration (I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with Robocop). I can't understand how the human survivors exist as long as they do is a mystery considering that they seem to not be eating, drinking, or thinking in any capacity. The leads of the film are also a major drawback. I'm sorry, but Josh Hartnett and Melissa George are two of the blandest actors around these days. I'm pretty sure they continue to find jobs based only on their looks despite the fact that George reminds me of a cartoon rabbit (In fact, I was hoping that Melissa George would be turned just so I could see a buck-toothed vampire. I'm pretty sure it would have been pretty fucking priceless.). The movie has some pretty strange logic as well. Time is very subjective in this movie. One man apparently takes about seven days to turn into a vampire while another may only take two minutes. WTF? Remember when I said that I liked the animalistic portrayal of the vampires? Apparently animalistic also means incredibly stupid at times. I kept waiting for one of the vamps to hike a leg over water hydrant and mark his territory. The vampires speak in their own language of clicks and squeals through most of the movie and apparently lose the ability to speak English except to deliver some really shitty lines. The only vampire to be shown being somewhat intelligent (Danny Huston) spends most of his time walking around looking like the vampire version of Karl from Sling Blade. He does, however, utter the one laugh out loud moment in the movie. "God? No God!" The line is pretty simple, and doesn't really seem funny, but the reading of the line in the film is hilarious in a mentally-handicapped kind of way (I apologize to the mentally-handicapped). Over all, my biggest problem with the film was that lack of fun that I mentioned earlier though. The film takes itself way too seriously, and the only humor in the film is unintentional.

Deaths:

There are a few scenes of mass killing in the film, and I lost count. There were some nice deaths though. I'm particularly fond of "death by snow plow."

Sexy Time:

There was sadly no "sexy time" moments in the film. What did I say about this film not being fun?

LOL:

The film was unfortunately extremely light on the laughs. You know it's a sad day when you're forced to laugh at the retarded portrayal of the squealing bloodsuckers.


"Reckon you make me some biscuits." C'mon... you know you're thinking it.




IMDB tells me this isn't the nerdy guy from Dodgeball and Grandma's Boy, but I can dream.