Hatchet

Finally… the family movie we’ve all been waiting for has arrived.



Wait a minute… scratch that.

Most horror buffs have probably heard quite a bit about Hatchet by now. It’s had incredible word-of-mouth amongst horror fans. They’re treating it as if it were the new messiah of horror. I won’t lie. It’s not, but it is good. Unfortunately the fact that it’s pretty damned derivative of the films that influenced it keeps it from the big leagues. Still, Hatchet shows that a great amount of fun can be had with gore, laughs, and the right attitude.

Ben’s (Joel David Moore of Dodgeball and Grandma’s Boy) friends have dragged him to New Orleans and Mardi Gras to help him forget a break-up. Ben’s not having any of that though. He really wants to go on a haunted swamp tour. His best friend Marcus is the only one that sticks with him despite protests over how he will miss out on the beer and the babes,. On the way to the swamp tour, Hatchet introduces its cast of characters. Tour guide Shawn is hilariously inept. Wannabe porn film director Shapiro constantly films the breasts of his two actresses Jenna (a pretentious “serious” actress) and Misty (Buffy and Angel’s hilarious Mercedes McNab as a Paris Hilton-like airhead blonde trying to break into acting). The Permatteo’s are a typical Midwestern tourist couple (Mr. Permatteo is played by Office Space’s Richard Riehle). Last, but not least, is Marybeth the quiet loner who we later find out is on a mission of revenge for the death of her father and brother. Unfortunately, they don’t realize the swamp is off limits because of the murderous Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder playing the billionth deformed, retarded redneck in this type of film). We’re told that he died due to an accidental hatchet strike to the face(happens all the time), but we’re never quite sure what he is... ghost or freakishly tough human. Anyways… the usual (actually… it’s a bit more hardcore than the usual) mayhem follows.

Hatchet knows exactly what it is, and it delivers the goods. There are very liberal amounts of gore, nudity, and laughs in this film. All of the actors turn in great performances for this type of film. They’re consistently funny (this is considered a horror-comedy) and end up bringing more life to the typical slasher stereotypes. Kane Hodder (the man most associated with Jason Voorhees) portrays a new film slasher, and he does a great job here. Apparently the cast was even frightened of him off-camera too. You’ll even see cameos by Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and Tony Todd (Candyman). Director/writer Adam Green does a great job here as well. His script, despite being pretty damned standard plot-wise, is constantly funny. There are enough issues (you’ve pretty much seen this all before) that will keep this from being a horror great, but the film is still a great watch.

*Strangely, there is a Disney review of this film telling about parents about all the questionable material the film contains, so that they can speak about it with their children.

Deaths: 11
Where to start… cutting, hacking, ripping off with bare hands, head twisting, impalement, death by belt sander, beheadings, and just plain ripping out of guts. The gore is incredibly over-the-top here, and I loved every moment of it.

LOL:
An old redneck that drinks his own piss tries to warn away the characters from the swamp. It has to be seen.



Sadly, we probably won't ever see his "Jump To Conclusions" mat.


It would be wise to avoid the Victor Crowley Dental Clinic.