Jason X

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a horror film review. In fact it’s been almost three months. That’s due to a variety of excuses. Impending fatherhood, health problems, an inability to focus, and pure laziness are all to blame. It’s time to jump back on the horse though. Strangely the film I’ve decided to review is something that stands out from my other reviews. I’ve always subconsciously steered clear of reviewing any franchise film from one of the horror icons. I’m ending that trend today to review the shittiest Jason movie of all time (though Jason Goes to Manhattan is lurking just behind): JASON X!

Horror series are always a mixed bag. Horror films are treated like shit by studios. They’re cheap to make as you don’t really need name actors and most of your money is going to be spent on cheap effects. The good thing is that they almost always turn a good profit. Therefore, when a horror flick does well, studios will crank out a quick sequel in order to take advantage of its popularity while the property is still hot. As the series goes on… the “quick buck” approach starts taking its toll on the films, and the quality goes down. Then the financial returns go down leaving studios pretty much throwing shit against the wall and seeing if it sticks. Jason X is a great example of this.



Let’s face it… the Friday the 13th films were never really terribly well-done. They get by on the fact that they are entertainingly stupid. You’ve got a bunch of partying kids getting stalked and slaughtered by a prudish, retarded hillbilly zombie. That’s not exactly high concept. Before you take offense of my explanation of Jason Voorhees, let me clarify. Jason’s own mother admitted that her son was “special” in the first installment. He grew up living alone in the woods wearing a flannel shirt, cover-all’s, and burlap sack on his head. He’s also technically a zombie as he died in Part IV and was accidentally resurrected by genre veteran Thom Matthews and the guy that played Horschack in Welcome Back, Kotter in Part VI. Mr. Voorhees is definitely the most prudish of all horror icons as well. He punishes all deviant behavior that takes place in his vicinity. Jason is basically a machete-carrying member of the Christian right.

You smoke cigarettes at Crystal Lake… you’re screwed.
You smoke a joint at Crystal Lake… you’re fucked.
You drink alcohol at Crystal Lake… you’re toast.
You have sex at Crystal Lake… you’re dead meat.
You masturbate to porn at Crystal Lake… you’re a human shish-ka-bob.
You use a curse word at Crystal Lake… you’re six feet under.
You even think about doing any of that… you're up shit creek.

Now drop all that into a futuristic space movie, and you’ve got Jason X.

Jason X starts out with a bang with a cameo by David Cronenberg. Cronenberg gets impaled by a spike. It fits. It only goes downhill from there. Jason is cryogenically frozen and is found 450 years later by a group of students on a field trip to the now uninhabitable Earth. Long story short… they take him back on board. Bad idea! I would comment further on the plot, but really who gives a shit about plot with a Jason movie!?! There are some interesting kills, an attempt at self-parodying comedy, and Jason fights a female combat-upgraded sex-bot… and loses to her. Fortunately for him, he falls into the nanotech upgrade machine and is reborn as Uber-Jason. It’s a lot of stupid (incredibly stupid) fun, and you’ll spend more time laughing at how bad it is than actually enjoying the film. It’s almost impossible to not laugh at the film. It’s got bad Canadian actors from syndicated sci-fi shows, a script that rips off every sci-fi horror film of the last twenty years, and the special effects look like they came from a Sci-Fi original. Yet… somehow it’s entertaining.



If you have low standards… give it a go. It’s fun.

Teeth

Y’know… I was going to use a lot of stupid puns when describing this flick, so I’ll just get them out of the way now.

“biting commentary”
“horror with a bite”
“a movie you can to sink your teeth into”

Damn, I’m glad that’s over.

Teeth is probably the worst movie an oversexed male could ever watch. That comes from the fact that the main character finds out that she has a condition called “Vagina Dentata.” It’s exactly what you think it is. It makes for a very unique film. Say what you will, but it’s hard to come up with an original idea these days, but that’s exactly what writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein has done. He’s made the first feminist horror/comedy/drama that involves a penis-severing vagina. I congratulate him for such an accomplishment.



Dawn is a pro-abstinence Christian girl. She believes that a girl needs to keep her gift wrapped until she receives that gold ring. Dawn is so repressed that she won’t even allow herself to see PG-13 movies. Dawn keeps to her beliefs even in the face of the constant mocking of her schoolmates. That’s until her fellow pro-abstinence possibly bf attempts to rape her. She founds out something new about herself. Something lethal.

The movie is good stuff. Hell… it’s critically acclaimed and all that jazz. That’s largely in part due to the fantastic Jess Weixler. She deservedly won the Sundance Special Jury Prize for Dramatic Performance for her portrayal of a teenage girl that must deal with the deadly mutation inside her. It helps that the script and direction is smarter than most of the film’s competition. It’s funny and intelligent. I laughed my ass off over the “celibate Christian” group meetings and the plain male stupidity on screen. That’s not to say that everything hits the mark in the film. The film drags in bits, but the absurdity of the film keeps you interested. I also have to mention that the greatest performance of a creepy old pervert in film history can be found in the last minutes of the movie. It’s quite horrific. It’s creepier than the several instance of graphic penis mutilation I’ll never forget that old man scarily darting his tongue out.



Teeth is a great flick that unfortunately only made the film festival route with a very limited release. Thankfully, it’s out on DVD now. If you are looking for something along the lines of a feminist American Psycho… pick it up. You won’t be disappointed.

P.S. I find myself trying to make a “Vagina Dentata” song to the tune of Hakuna Matata from the Lion King. Help me.

Midnight Meat Train

There is a special place in Hell reserved for the new acting studio head of Lionsgate Joe Drake. You see… Mr. Drake disliked former Lionsgate executive Peter Block and has decided to bury all of the projects that Block had championed. Midnight Meat Train was one of the casualties (REPO! The Genetic Opera is another). You may be thinking “Midnight Meat What?” That’s because Drake refused to allow any marketing for the film. He wouldn’t have released the film at all if Lionsgate were not contractually obliged to open the film theatrically by Lakeshore Entertainment, so the douche bag released it to 100 dollar theatres around the country instead. I figure Joe Drake needs an eternity of ass-raping.



Midnight Meat Train is one of those movies that you just want to tell everyone about. It’s boner-inducing in its greatness. The flick is based on a Clive Barker short story. It’s strange in that Barker’s work hasn’t really ever been well-suited to film, but this one works quite well cinematically. We can probably thank director Ryuhei Kitamura for that. Kitamura is well-known amongst fans of Japanese genre films. He’s got a great kinetic visual style that reminds one of a well-polished early Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson. Kitamura has made a film that is both stylish and substantive. The cast is great as well. Bradley Cooper (aka the dick from Wedding Crashers) is compelling as Leon Kauffman, a photographer looking to find the soul of the city. His mission takes him to late nights on the subway where he discovers a menacing butcher (a perfectly cast Vinnie Jones making the most of a silent role) murdering passengers with the tools of his trade. Leslie Gibb as Leon’s girlfriend (aka the hottest diner waitress in film history) and Roger Bart as Leon’s friend Jurgis inject heart and humor into the film respectively. I only have two problems with the film. My main problem with the film lies in its second act. The story stalls with several (incredible) cat-and-mouse chases and numerous killings that really don’t help the narrative flow of the film. My other problem is with the gore because I’m not a big fan of CGI gore. Thankfully there are some practical gore effects thrown in too. Otherwise, Midnight Meat Train is all aces.



Do yourself a favor and catch this movie while it’s still in theatres. It’s at the Cinemark 8 in Tulsa across from Woodland Hills. It’s a $1.75, but you’ll leave thinking you would have paid a whole lot more for such an awesome film.



P.S. I'm well aware of the sexual connotation of the film's title.

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Being a manly man, I’m often distressed during Valentine’s Day. A holiday for lovey-dovey stuff and mushiness? Gross… and completely unmanly. That’s why I can get behind a film like My Bloody Valentine. It turns a hated holiday into a fantastic one. It’s no secret that I love holiday-themed horror flicks, and My Bloody Valentine is one that actually makes use of the themes of its holiday… except the valentines that killer leaves are not exactly loving.



Twenty years ago in the small mining town of Valentine Bluffs, a methane gas explosion trapped five miners in a shaft when other crew members left work early to attend the town’s annual Valentine’s Day dance. After six weeks of digging, one survivor was found. Harry Warden survived by turning to cannibalism. Driven into madness by his horrific experience, Harry returned one year later and killed those that left their posts (by cutting out their hearts) and warned that if there should ever be another Valentine’s Day dance he would return. Unfortunately, the young miners of present day (aka 1981) don’t believe the stories and decide to hold the dance. We all know that means lots of young adults are about to have their hearts handed to them.


The film is well-made. It’s not perfect, but it is definitely one of the best of its kind. In fact, many slasher fans consider it the best of the Halloween rip-offs. Quentin Tarantino considers it his favorite slasher film of all time. It’s got a great story, a great looking killer, and some well done kill scenes. In fact, the kill scenes were so gruesome that the MPAA cut nine minutes of gore from the film before release. The outcome works well for the flick. It gives My Bloody Valentine a more suspenseful tone (like Halloween) than the other slasher pics of the time. The film is also free of the usual horror movie clichés. The characters are actually intelligent and don’t fall for the usual stupid horror movie moves. Plus it has a fat guy that looks like a young Wilford Brimley who strangely has the hottest girl in the movie as his girlfriend. I also must mention the folk ballad detailing the events of the movie that plays during the end credits. A FOLK BALLAD ABOUT A VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE!!! That’s frickin’ sweet!



Remember when I said it wasn’t perfect? That can mostly be attributed to the horrendous cast. The cast read their lines with all the intensity of a rock. I’m almost sure that a cast of mimes might have been a better choice (and it would be more enjoyable to see them die). Even more distracting is their accents. I kept thinking they all spoke strangely. After a quick internet search, I found out the movie was filmed in Canada. Can’t they just pretend to be American like other Canadian films? What’s that all “aboat?” Even though the MPAA cuts help make the film suspenseful, they also interfere with the narrative because some scenes are taken out. You’ll find characters are dead when you have no idea when they died as they were just alive a minute ago. What the fuck? You can generally figure things out quickly, but it would be nice just to know.



All in all though, My Bloody Valentine is a must-see for horror fans. It’s an original that doesn’t pander to the regular clichés of horror films; it actually makes use of its holiday premise, and the lack of gore or sex means you can pretty much watch this with anyone. Good stuff… despite the funny-sounding Canadians.

P.S. There is an unfortunate remake coming out next year starring the usual CW/WB young actors that appear in most crappy remakes. I’m already disappointed, but it does have one selling point though. It’s going to be in 3-D.

Happy Birthday To Me

It seems I’ve fallen off the wagon, haven’t I? It’s been over a month since my last horror film review. I’m definitely slacking in my commitment to horror. The news of my impending fatherhood has thrown me for an excited loop. The pregnancy has been the thing most on my mind. Still… I was able to squeeze in a few horror films just waiting to be reviewed.

Happy Birthday To Me was one of those flicks. I’ve always liked those holiday-themed slashers of the late 70’s and early 80’s (though calling a birthday a holiday is pushing it a bit), so I gave HBTM a go. It’s pretty rare that I find a slasher classic that I have never seen. I think there was a reason for this. Happy Birthday To Me has the single most horribly convoluted ending I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure the studio-mandated twist ending was written by an alcoholic chimpanzee… or possibly M. Night Shyamalan.

Anyways, the plot concerns Virginia “Ginny” Wainwright and her clique of friends, the Top Ten. The Top Ten are the top ten richest and most popular students at their already-snobbish private school. Money has to be the only reason these kids are popular because for the most part they’re insufferable assholes. After an ill-advised game of chicken on a rising drawbridge, Ginny starts freaking out. It seems that Ginny and her mother had an accident on that very drawbridge a few years before on Ginny’s birthday. That accident took Ginny’s mother’s life and put Ginny in a coma. Sucks to be her. Actually, it sucks to be a member of the Top Ten because they start dying. One by one they bite the big one. Who’s responsible? It doesn’t matter because the film’s twist ending completely goes against everything presented in the entirety of the film. A murderous pony might as well have been the killer as it would have probably made more sense (and a lot more fun too).

The film isn’t entirely without merit though. The actors do well with what they are given. Melissa Sue Anderson of Little House on the Prairie plays Ginny, and it’s a hoot to see the sweetheart of 70’s television play a foul-mouthed somewhat slutty teen. It’s also strange to see acting legend Glenn Ford in the film playing Virginia’s doctor. Happy Birthday To Me doesn’t skimp out on the gore either. There are a few neat kills in the flick, but hardly the “bizarre” murders advertised on the poster… unless stabbings are something entirely new to film audiences. You have to give props to the shish-ka-bob through the mouth and out the back of the head though. It’s pretty sweet.

If you can get over the mind-blowing stupidity of the ending, Happy Birthday To Me is a decent flick. It’s a decent way to kill time and a few brain cells.

P.S. This has to be one of the coolest film screen grabs in the history of film.

The Curse of El Charro

Beware the Curse of El Charro! This curse is worse than a case of the squirts. Hell… I figured that the film would have been much better if Spanish superstar Charo was the star of the film. Just imagine her happily saying, “Cuchi cuchi!” after every gory kill.



Our whiny heroine Maria heroine has been troubled with horrible dreams and visions regarding her sister’s suicide. That’s why her roommate Christina thinks it’s a great idea to bring her along for a road trip to Arizona. Christina’s friends Tanya and Rosemary aren’t quite happy about having Maria tag along.

Now here’s I go off on a short tangent. The names of these characters are irrelevant because they aren’t portrayed as anything more than shitty stereotypes.

From now on they will be known as:

Maria – Headcase
Christina – Girl Next Door
Tanya – Ghetto Slut
Rosemary – Goth Slut

Now back to the review.

The girls are thrilled to be leaving boring ol’ Los Angeles and going on a road trip to the boondocks of Arizona. Just thinking of all the desert sand gets them all hot and bothered. Along the way they are pulled over for speeding, but thankfully Ghetto Slut gives head… errr… uses her head to get them out of trouble. The very grateful cop leads them to the nearest gas station to fill up. That gas station just happens to be a bar in which the strangest musical performance in history is given by a crippled Marilyn Manson-clone. Obviously the redneck bar patrons love it. All rednecks love shitty goth-industrial metal. The shit hits the fan once they reach their destination though. Headcase finds that one of her ancestors rejected the marriage proposal of a cruel land baron named El Charro, and El Charro has cursed her bloodline (and slaughtered the original ancestor’s family)… blah blah blah blah blah. El Charro comes and kills her friends and the men they’ve picked up at a bar. It’s all incredibly boring and was making the idea of suicide be somewhat palatable. Being too busy with her non-stop crying, Headcase doesn’t even defend herself from El Crappo at all. She’s saved by a shitty-looking angel with dirty clothes, a poorly painted-on tattoo, and the fakest-looking angel wings in film history.

The Curse of El Charro sucks. I’ll state that right away. The writing is full of clichés, horrible dialogue, and trite characters. The direction is weak. The actors would be shamed by children in a third grade Christmas play. The kills are uninteresting and barely even shown. It’s not altogether horrible though. The visions that Headcase has are pretty interesting. They’re done almost with a silent film style cinematography, and one of them even has Motorhead front man Lemmy as a priest cautioning young Headcase about the horrors that await her. Plus that aforementioned musical number was pretty fucking trippy in a good way (the song’s horrible but so strange). That doesn’t save the film though. Watch this only if you’re feeling masochistic.

Cutting Class

I’ll watch about any 80’s slasher flick if given the chance. As a child, I had posters of Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers lining my walls. There’s something in my DNA that adores that particular genre in that particular decade. It’s probably the numerous outlandish ways they found to get rid of their victims. Cutting Class definitely has some classic kills. Death by copy machine! Baking the art teacher in the ceramic kiln! And who could forget the ol’ flagpole through the trampoline (Eli Roth stole this one for his Grindhouse Thanksgiving trailer to humorous effect)? It’s just too bad that the plot really gives no reason for them to happen.

High school senior Paula (Jill Schoelen aka teen Blake’s big crush) is being left alone for the week by her District Attorney father (Martin Mull). Before he goes on to hunting trip, he reinforces the rules he expects her to follow while he’s gone. “NO CUTTING CLASS” seems to be most important. It’s a lame setup to a joke that comes at the end of the movie. In fact, it’s so lame that I was shocked that something so stupid could be ever actually make it into a film. Thankfully Martin Mull had the dignity to deliver it anyway. This happens to be the same day that Brian Woods (Donovan Leitch) returns to class. Brian had the unfortunate luck to have been placed in a mental hospital after he did such a minor thing as murder his father. Unfortunately, Woods has taken a liking to Jill, and her asshole boyfriend Dwight (young Mr. Brad Pitt in a defining film role) isn’t down for someone else buttering his bread. Complicating the situation is the fact that Brian and Dwight were best friends before the murder (and that Brian refused to name Dwight as his unwitting accomplice). The school’s principal (Roddy McDowall feigning interest in a girl) is constantly sexually harassing young Paula (not that she really notices), and I would be completely retarded if I didn’t mention the bat-shit insane school janitor that tells students that he’s “custodian of their fucking destiny.” Long story short… a murderer kills various students and faculty of the high school while Paula studies through the entire film. She’s definitely taken her father’s rules to heart. She’s studying in every fucking scene. I’m not sure, but I think she might have been studying as she was running for her life. That’s taking overachieving to a whole new level. She’s so obsessed with making good grades that it carries over to others as well. Like any teenage boy, Dwight wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but she holds out on him stating, “Not until your grades improve!”

The film tries to make itself a “whodunit.” This might have worked if they hadn’t already told us that an insane murderer was released at the same time the murders start occurring. Seriously! Either the filmmakers are moronic, or they believe their audience is. Brian kills people for no reason at all. The art instructor makes him and Paula model for the class in an extremely close sexual pose, so Brian fries him in the ceramics kiln. He must’ve killed his dad because he gave him one too many Christmas presents. I might have forgiven this flawed narrative if the film had even tried to work toward some suspense, but the kills are dropped right in your lap with no build-up at all. At least I’ll always love the scene in which the math teacher’s head meets an axe because he couldn’t figure out a math problem that Brian wrote on the chalkboard.

All in all, Cutting Class isn’t that great of a movie, but if you stick to it you’ll be rewarded with some good kills and a very entertaining finale (battle in the machine shop!) and the comedic skills of Martin Mull.

Oh yeah… Brad Pitt’s head in a vice: