Teeth

Y’know… I was going to use a lot of stupid puns when describing this flick, so I’ll just get them out of the way now.

“biting commentary”
“horror with a bite”
“a movie you can to sink your teeth into”

Damn, I’m glad that’s over.

Teeth is probably the worst movie an oversexed male could ever watch. That comes from the fact that the main character finds out that she has a condition called “Vagina Dentata.” It’s exactly what you think it is. It makes for a very unique film. Say what you will, but it’s hard to come up with an original idea these days, but that’s exactly what writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein has done. He’s made the first feminist horror/comedy/drama that involves a penis-severing vagina. I congratulate him for such an accomplishment.



Dawn is a pro-abstinence Christian girl. She believes that a girl needs to keep her gift wrapped until she receives that gold ring. Dawn is so repressed that she won’t even allow herself to see PG-13 movies. Dawn keeps to her beliefs even in the face of the constant mocking of her schoolmates. That’s until her fellow pro-abstinence possibly bf attempts to rape her. She founds out something new about herself. Something lethal.

The movie is good stuff. Hell… it’s critically acclaimed and all that jazz. That’s largely in part due to the fantastic Jess Weixler. She deservedly won the Sundance Special Jury Prize for Dramatic Performance for her portrayal of a teenage girl that must deal with the deadly mutation inside her. It helps that the script and direction is smarter than most of the film’s competition. It’s funny and intelligent. I laughed my ass off over the “celibate Christian” group meetings and the plain male stupidity on screen. That’s not to say that everything hits the mark in the film. The film drags in bits, but the absurdity of the film keeps you interested. I also have to mention that the greatest performance of a creepy old pervert in film history can be found in the last minutes of the movie. It’s quite horrific. It’s creepier than the several instance of graphic penis mutilation I’ll never forget that old man scarily darting his tongue out.



Teeth is a great flick that unfortunately only made the film festival route with a very limited release. Thankfully, it’s out on DVD now. If you are looking for something along the lines of a feminist American Psycho… pick it up. You won’t be disappointed.

P.S. I find myself trying to make a “Vagina Dentata” song to the tune of Hakuna Matata from the Lion King. Help me.

Midnight Meat Train

There is a special place in Hell reserved for the new acting studio head of Lionsgate Joe Drake. You see… Mr. Drake disliked former Lionsgate executive Peter Block and has decided to bury all of the projects that Block had championed. Midnight Meat Train was one of the casualties (REPO! The Genetic Opera is another). You may be thinking “Midnight Meat What?” That’s because Drake refused to allow any marketing for the film. He wouldn’t have released the film at all if Lionsgate were not contractually obliged to open the film theatrically by Lakeshore Entertainment, so the douche bag released it to 100 dollar theatres around the country instead. I figure Joe Drake needs an eternity of ass-raping.



Midnight Meat Train is one of those movies that you just want to tell everyone about. It’s boner-inducing in its greatness. The flick is based on a Clive Barker short story. It’s strange in that Barker’s work hasn’t really ever been well-suited to film, but this one works quite well cinematically. We can probably thank director Ryuhei Kitamura for that. Kitamura is well-known amongst fans of Japanese genre films. He’s got a great kinetic visual style that reminds one of a well-polished early Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson. Kitamura has made a film that is both stylish and substantive. The cast is great as well. Bradley Cooper (aka the dick from Wedding Crashers) is compelling as Leon Kauffman, a photographer looking to find the soul of the city. His mission takes him to late nights on the subway where he discovers a menacing butcher (a perfectly cast Vinnie Jones making the most of a silent role) murdering passengers with the tools of his trade. Leslie Gibb as Leon’s girlfriend (aka the hottest diner waitress in film history) and Roger Bart as Leon’s friend Jurgis inject heart and humor into the film respectively. I only have two problems with the film. My main problem with the film lies in its second act. The story stalls with several (incredible) cat-and-mouse chases and numerous killings that really don’t help the narrative flow of the film. My other problem is with the gore because I’m not a big fan of CGI gore. Thankfully there are some practical gore effects thrown in too. Otherwise, Midnight Meat Train is all aces.



Do yourself a favor and catch this movie while it’s still in theatres. It’s at the Cinemark 8 in Tulsa across from Woodland Hills. It’s a $1.75, but you’ll leave thinking you would have paid a whole lot more for such an awesome film.



P.S. I'm well aware of the sexual connotation of the film's title.