Being a manly man, I’m often distressed during Valentine’s Day. A holiday for lovey-dovey stuff and mushiness? Gross… and completely unmanly. That’s why I can get behind a film like My Bloody Valentine. It turns a hated holiday into a fantastic one. It’s no secret that I love holiday-themed horror flicks, and My Bloody Valentine is one that actually makes use of the themes of its holiday… except the valentines that killer leaves are not exactly loving.
Twenty years ago in the small mining town of Valentine Bluffs, a methane gas explosion trapped five miners in a shaft when other crew members left work early to attend the town’s annual Valentine’s Day dance. After six weeks of digging, one survivor was found. Harry Warden survived by turning to cannibalism. Driven into madness by his horrific experience, Harry returned one year later and killed those that left their posts (by cutting out their hearts) and warned that if there should ever be another Valentine’s Day dance he would return. Unfortunately, the young miners of present day (aka 1981) don’t believe the stories and decide to hold the dance. We all know that means lots of young adults are about to have their hearts handed to them.
The film is well-made. It’s not perfect, but it is definitely one of the best of its kind. In fact, many slasher fans consider it the best of the Halloween rip-offs. Quentin Tarantino considers it his favorite slasher film of all time. It’s got a great story, a great looking killer, and some well done kill scenes. In fact, the kill scenes were so gruesome that the MPAA cut nine minutes of gore from the film before release. The outcome works well for the flick. It gives My Bloody Valentine a more suspenseful tone (like Halloween) than the other slasher pics of the time. The film is also free of the usual horror movie clichés. The characters are actually intelligent and don’t fall for the usual stupid horror movie moves. Plus it has a fat guy that looks like a young Wilford Brimley who strangely has the hottest girl in the movie as his girlfriend. I also must mention the folk ballad detailing the events of the movie that plays during the end credits. A FOLK BALLAD ABOUT A VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE!!! That’s frickin’ sweet!
Remember when I said it wasn’t perfect? That can mostly be attributed to the horrendous cast. The cast read their lines with all the intensity of a rock. I’m almost sure that a cast of mimes might have been a better choice (and it would be more enjoyable to see them die). Even more distracting is their accents. I kept thinking they all spoke strangely. After a quick internet search, I found out the movie was filmed in Canada. Can’t they just pretend to be American like other Canadian films? What’s that all “aboat?” Even though the MPAA cuts help make the film suspenseful, they also interfere with the narrative because some scenes are taken out. You’ll find characters are dead when you have no idea when they died as they were just alive a minute ago. What the fuck? You can generally figure things out quickly, but it would be nice just to know.
All in all though, My Bloody Valentine is a must-see for horror fans. It’s an original that doesn’t pander to the regular clichés of horror films; it actually makes use of its holiday premise, and the lack of gore or sex means you can pretty much watch this with anyone. Good stuff… despite the funny-sounding Canadians.
P.S. There is an unfortunate remake coming out next year starring the usual CW/WB young actors that appear in most crappy remakes. I’m already disappointed, but it does have one selling point though. It’s going to be in 3-D.
